


Phantom Retards

by Bellabootey



Category: Persona 4, Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: F/F, F/M, Futaba is massively gay for Haru, Makoto is a mom, Morgana actually gets a phone, Persona 5 Protagonist is from Inaba, Ryuji is a bro, and gets bullied anyway, chatfic, he also refuses to say fuck, persona 4 characters will probs drop in sooner or later, ships wont be super prevelant, they're kinda just there, this whole fic started out of me wanting to write some Harutaba, wackadoo upload schedule inbound
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:07:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellabootey/pseuds/Bellabootey
Summary: Yaldaboath has fallen. Maruki's reality has been cast away. Leaving Tokyo and his treasured friends behind, Ren now returns to his home town of Inaba.But first, he opens a chatroom, separate from their previous, where the sole purpose is to goof off and act like a bunch of normal teenagers their age. Or what you would assume a bunch of teenagers with magic powers and off-brand Stands consider "normal".-Just pure crack, although there will be spoilers for P5R and the events that happen, as well as spoilers for Persona 4 Golden as well.-
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Niijima Makoto, Okumura Haru/Sakura Futaba
Comments: 24
Kudos: 113





	1. the chaos begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I just decided to make this fic up as a little bit of fun. The upload schedule will be a little wacky, mostly because I'm extremely disorganised, but I'll try my best to not abandon this fic.

**USER Ren Amamiya OPENED NEW CHATROOM**

**USER Ren Amamiya ADDED USERS Futaba Sakura, Ryuji Sakamoto, Ann Takamaki, Yusuke Kitagawa, Haru Okumura, Makoto Niijima, Sumire Yoshizawa, Morgana TO CHATROOM**

**CHATROOM NAME SET TO “Phantom Dumbasses”.**

<Ren> Sup everyone

<Ryuji> yo

<Futaba> double yo

<Makoto> Hello Ren, its good to hear from you again.

<Futaba> GODAMNIT MAKOTO

<Futaba> YOU FUCKED UP THE COMBO

<Makoto> Oh! I-I’m sorry!

<Makoto> …

<Makoto> Triple Yo?

<Futaba> na na its too late

<Yusuke> May I inquire, we already have a group chat from the previous year.

<Yusuke> What is the need of another?

<Ren> I made this chatroom solely for goofing off. We deserve it, after all of the stuff we had to go through last year.

<Futaba> Like getting yourself locked up again without us knowing

<Ren> …I said I was sorry…

<Ryuji> Ren

<Ryuji> My homie

<Ryuji> You had us all freaked the eff out

<Ryuji> also im about 90% sure makoto was gonna drive to the detention center and square up with the guards

<Makoto> That is…not actually a lie.

<Haru> I would have done the same, honestly.

<Haru> I would have even brought My Little Noir.

<Haru> :)

<Futaba> hoo boy

<Yusuke> I feel a chill in the air.

<Ryuji> why can I hear dark souls music

<Ren> ngl Haru would make a terrifying Dark Souls boss.

<Ann> 1\. Hi Ren! Its great to hear from you again! and 2. Are we all going to gloss over the fact Haru calls her axe “My Little Noir”

<Futaba> yes

<Ann> huh

<Sumire> Senpai! Its great to hear from you again. How was your move to Inaba?

<Ren> Good, actually

<Ren> News of Shidos bullshit must have travelled fast

<Ren> as soon as I entered the district, the people were offering apologies for all the shit they said

<Haru> That’s great!

<Haru> I would have hated to have…had a **talk** with them.

<Ryuji> that’s a threat

<Futaba> that is most definitely a threat

<Makoto> I’ve just noticed you added Morgana. Does Morgana have a phone now, or…?

<Ren> theres a tech shop in inaba

<Ren> stopped in there to buy an old model phone for Morgana

<Ren> ngl its hilarious watching him try to type with his little kitty paws

<Morgana> they aren’t little!

<Morgana> and I am not a

<Morgana> wait I actually am a cat now

<Morgana> fuck

<Futaba> fucking rip

<Ann> youll always be our little not-cat Morgana :)

<Morgana> l-l-lady ann…

<Ryuji> simp

<Futaba> simp

<Ren> simp

<Morgana> ren im literally right next to your shoulder

<Morgana> I can and will fuck you up

<Haru> simp

<Morgana> fhfjsjfsjsocsjmcsio

<Haru> I’m sorry, Mona-chan!

<Haru> everybody else was saying it, I wanted to join in…

<Futaba> no no Haru

<Futaba> don’t feel bad about calling morgana a simp

<Futaba> because he very much is a simp

<Ryuji> going off topic again because why the eff not

<Ryuji> anyone gonna talk about how ren casually says “oh yeah, I bought a phone for my cat”

<Ren> were fucking loaded on cash thanks to shadows and all that shit

<Ryuji> from pointing a bunch of guns at a dick chariot

<Makoto> Its name is Mara!

<Futaba> dick chariot is more funny

<Haru> I agree with Futaba-chan.

<Ren> yeah def

<Ren> I decided to spend it on something worthwhile

<Futaba> then we immediately start bullying morgana the moment he says something

<Morgana> S T O P

<Sumire> I love how funny it is here, and this groupchat hasn’t even been up for more than a couple minutes!

<Ren> what can I say

<Ren> we all have a very acquainted sense of humor.

<Ann> which is calling morgana a simp

<Futaba> exactly

<Ren> exactly

<Makoto> I missed this.

<Makoto> Just…messing around like this.

<Makoto> I hope that one day we can do it again.

<Ren> trust me on this

<Ren> when I get the chance

<Ren> im dragging all of you to inaba

<Ren> youll love it here trust me

<Ren> it already feels kinda empty without you guys here

<Ren> gotta fill that void eventually

<Ren> I care a ton about you guys, and its only been a year

<Futaba> holy fuck my heart just melted

<Futaba> that was so wholesome wtf

<Haru> I may or may not be shedding a couple tears…

<Ryuji> she is def crying

<Ann> so are you

<Ryuji> fuck ann why are you selling me out

<Yusuke> the emotions I felt, even through the screen of my phone, are overwhelming

<Yusuke> Thank you, Ren, you have given me inspiration for my next piece.

\---<Sumire is idle>\---

<Ann> she put down her phone for a second

<Ann> who knew we were all a bunch of emotional saps

<Morgana> rens crying too

<Ren> no im not fuck you cat

<Makoto> Ren…

<Futaba> alright alright alright

<Ryuji> lets see what we got

<Ren> Hive! Bring a sword.

<Ann> and there goes the moment

<Ryuji> don’t know what you were expecting

<Ryuji> this is the meme chat, we don’t do sappy emotional shit here

<Ryuji> tho I was most def not crying when Ren said that shit

<Morgana> lies

<Ryuji> fuck you cat

<Futaba> ok so before drifter 2.0 here interrupted me

<Futaba> I just found out that ren gave us all admin privileges

<Futaba> like names and shit

<Futaba> so

 **USER Futaba changed their name to** “Professional Gremlin”

<Ren> hoo boy

<Ren> it begins

<Professional Gremlin> gimmie a mo

<Professional Gremlin> Haru I got a great one for you

<Haru> hm?

 **USER Futaba changed USER Haru’s name to** “Homicidal Floof”

<Homicidal Floof> aww, its such a cute name!

<Ann> ok so apparently homicide is cute in Harus eyes

<Ryuji> so nothing new

<Ryuji> also

 **USER Ryuji changed their name to** “Skullboy”

<Skullboy> hell yeah

<Morgana> nah

 **USER Morgana changed Ryuji’s name to** “M O N K E”

<M O N K E> this is bullying

<Ren> reject humanity

<Homicidal Floof> return to M O N K E

<Ren> holy fuck Haru actually knows her memes

<Homicidal Floof> Futaba-chan is a great teacher :)

<Professional Gremlin> :)

<Homicidal Floof> :)

<M O N K E> gay

<Professional Gremlin> fuck you monke boy

<Ren> I feel that this is the beginning of something amazing

<Makoto> Depends on your definition of “amazing”.

<Ren> don’t pretend you aren’t enjoying this

\---<Sumire is not longer idle>\---

<Sumire> I’m back, I just needed to go the restroom

<M O N K E> don’t lie lmao

<Sumire> :/

 **USER Professional Gremlin changed Sumires name to** “why the fuck you lyin”

<why the fuck you lyin> >:/


	2. Haru makes people commit liven't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> homicidal floofball commits murder
> 
> also morgana gets bullied some more

<Professional Gremlin> It is not possible

<M O N K E> is so

<Professional Gremlin> is not

<M O N K E> is to

<Ann> alright alright alright

<Ann> what are you guys on about

<Ren> fuck I missed the chance to say another drifter line

<Professional Gremlin> oof

<M O N K E> rip

<Professional Gremlin> anyways

<Professional Gremlin> Ryuji was saying that you can sneeze with your eyes open

<Professional Gremlin> I was simply saying that is bs

<Ann> _Did you really have to throw a bag of coffee beans at him though?_

<Professional Gremlin> _yes_

<Professional Gremlin> Sojiro doesn’t mind anyway

<Ren> yeah but

<Ren> why do the coffee beans need to suffer

<M O N K E> hey im suffering as well here

<Ren> stop bullying my bro

<Ren> with beans

<Professional Gremlin> no

<Ren> alright then

<Ren> lemme pull out my trap card

<Ann> _oh no._

<M O N K E> this can only end badly

<Morgana> like the first time you and ren went to the red light district?

<M O N K E> _never speak of that again_

<Ren> @Homicidal Floof

<Ren> your girlfriends misbehaving

<Professional Gremlin> !!!

<Professional Gremlin> she is not my gf

**USER Homicidal Floof IS ONLINE**

<Homicidal Floof> Hi Ren-kun! Hi Futaba!

<Homicidal Floof> what seems to be the issue?

<M O N K E> Futaba’s bullying me

<Homicidal Floof> oh…I thought this was a daily occurrence?

<Ann> fucking rip

<Morgana> well, she aint wrong

<M O N K E> eff you cat

<Morgana> mwehehehe

**USER M O N K E CHNAGED Morgana’s NAME TO “cat”**

<cat> *sadly mwehehehes*

<Professional Gremlin> get fucked mona

<Ren> well that veered off topic at record pace

<Ren> jeez

<Homicidal Floof> I found that conversation rather amusing!

<Homicidal Floof> sitting in all these board meetings in quite the bore.

<Homicidal Floof> I would much rather be spending time with Futaba.

<Professional Gremlin> !!!

<Homicidal Floof> _oh-_

**MESSAGE HAS BEEN DELETED**

<Ren> I FUCKING SAW THAT HARU

<M O N K E> 50 yen that Futaba and Haru are secretly dating

<Ann> deal

<cat> yo hol’ up a minute

<cat> I just noticed something

<cat> Haru usually uses honorifics with all of us, me included

<cat> she didn’t use any honorific with Futaba a couple moments ago

<Homicidal Floof> !!!

<Professional Gremlin> !!!

<Professional Gremlin> well

<Professional Gremlin> its

<Professional Gremlin> uh

<Homicidal Floof> we’ve been levelling up our relationship!

<Homicidal Floof> as friends!

<Professional Gremlin> yeah!

<Professional Gremlin> me and haru have reached level 2

<Professional Gremlin> we don’t use honorifics with eachother anymore

<M O N K E> gotta wonder what max level is then

<Ren> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

<Ann> hoo boy

<Professional Gremlin> yeah, no dating

<Professional Gremlin> just really good friends

<M O N K E> hmm

<M O N K E> ok then

<Professional Gremlin> crisis averted

<Ren> Speech 100

<Professional Gremlin> get better fucking memes ren

<Ann> Insulted 100

<Homicidal Floof> you’re using the meme wrong…

<Professional Gremlin> yeah!

<Homicidal Floof> :)

<Professional Gremlin> :)

<Ann> gay

<cat> gay

<Ren> gay

**USER “why the fuck you lyin” IS ONLINE**

<why the fuck you lyin> hello everyone!

<why the fuck you lyin> also

<why the fuck you lyin> gay

<Professional Gremlin> this is bullying

<M O N K E> now you know how it feels

<Homicidal Flood> >:(

<Ren> He Ho No

<Ann> im no yusuke

<Ann> but I sense danger emanating from that emoji

<cat> I think its because were bullying her girlfriend

<Professional Gremlin> she isn’t my girlfriend!

<Ren> that’s bs and you know it

<Ann> oh fuck

<Ann> Haru just walked into LeBlanc

<Ann> shes smiling all sweet and shit

<Ann> and im pretty sure shes got little noir in her bag

<cat> “little noir”?

<Professional Gremlin> her axe

<why the fuck you lyin> I don’t usually swear

<why the fuck you lyin> but

<why the fuck you lyin> you are all fucked

<Professional Gremlin> holy fuck

<Professional Gremlin> Sumire the cinnamon roll actually swore

<Ren> sumire aint a cinnamon roll

<Ren> if shes pissed

<Ren> she will jab that rapier where it fucking hurts

<M O N K E> speaking from experience?

<Ren> mhm

<Ren> luckily Joker has balls of steel

<Professional Gremlin> and elf shoes

<Ren> Futaba I love you and all

<Ren> but fuck you

<Ren> I like my pointy elf shoes

<Homicidal Floof> they do look rather funny, Ren-kun.

<Professional Gremlin> thanks for the backup Haru

<Homicidal Floof> :)

<Professional Gremlin> :)

<Ren> gay

<cat> gay

<Professional Gremlin> fuck off

<Professional Gremlin> ill stick Haru on you

<Ren> Im in Inaba currently

<Ren> good fucking luck getting here

<cat> plus ren would probably cry if Haru showed up in inaba

<cat> not because he fears for his balls

<cat> but because he gets to see his friend again

<Ren> fuck you cat

<Ren> I need to keep up my cool leader thing

<Professional Gremlin> ngl you failed the whole “cool leader” thing with your fucking pointy elf shoes

<M O N K E> stop insulting my bros shoes

<why the fuck you lyin> are we all just going to gloss over the fact that haru left a board meeting to threaten ann

<M O N K E> speaking of ann

<M O N K E> where tf did she even go

<cat> she got haru’d

<Ren> lets pray for the loss of a friend

<cat> amen

<M O N K E> amen

**USER “Makoto” IS ONLINE**

<Makoto> Why can I hear muffled screaming coming from LeBlanc’s attic?

<Ren> don’t ask

<M O N K E> Haru is pissed

<cat> because we insulted her gf

<Professional Gremlin> she is not my gf!

<Makoto> if you and Haru aren’t dating, then what were you two doing in front of the movie theatre that one time?

<Makoto> Because to me, that looked very similar to kissing.

<Professional Gremlin> !!!

<Homicidal Floof> !!!

<Ren> ohohoho

<Homicidal Floof> _you saw nothing, Mako-chan_

<Makoto> but-

<Homicidal Floof> **_nothing._**

<Makoto> sorry for the misunderstanding.

<Makoto> I’ve, uhm…got to go. Sis needs some help…with uh…eggs! Ehehe.

**USER “Makoto” is OFFLINE.**

<cat> shit

<cat> we lost queen

<Ren> gotta blast

**USER “Ren” IS OFFLINE.**

<M O N K E> …

<cat> …

<why the fuck you lyin> …

<M O N K E> you wanna go out for a run sumire

<why the fuck you lyin> yes, please.

<cat> im just gonna go harass the fox at the shrine real quick

<Professional Gremlin> send pics

<cat> no


	3. the bean heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harutaba being gay  
> also beans  
> and sojiro

<Ann> ok so I may have done an oopsie

<Yusuke> What have you done, Ann?

<Yusuke> You had _one_ job.

<Ann> yeah and im not great at that job

<Homicidal Floof> what happened?

<M O N K E> ok

<M O N K E> so me ann and yusuke all went out to buy some coffee beans for Leblanc

<M O N K E> boss was asking, we wanted to do something nice for him

<cat> that’s a first

<M O N K E> eff you cat

<Ren> you stole the spare fish from the freezer morgana you cant say shit

<cat> you asshole you sold me out

<Professional Gremlin> so that’s where all the fish went

<Ren> its pretty fucking obvious where it all went

<Ren> I just didn’t say shit because im a good guy

<Makoto> debatable.

<Ren> babe why

<M O N K E> ok so that went off topic

<M O N K E> so we went to the underground mall because apparently theres a nice little shop there that sells “the good shit”

<M O N K E> bosses words, not mine

<Homicidal Floof> this is slowly starting to sound like a drug exchange.

<Yusuke> honestly, it would have been better if it _was_ a drug exchange

<Yusuke> because at least we could go back to boss with something.

<M O N K E> ok so we get to the mall

<M O N K E> and ann sees a new sweet shop that just opened up

<Professional Gremlin> I feel that I know exactly where this is going

<Homicidal Floof> same…

<cat> who would’ve guessed

<cat> the girlfriends are on the same wavelength

<Professional Gremlin> she isn’t my gf!

<Ann> doubt

<Yusuke> much doubt.

<M O N K E> can y’all stop interrupting me

<Ren> no sorry

<M O N K E> at least you were nice about it

<M O N K E> so ann sees a sweet shop

<M O N K E> and decides “yeah im gonna head in and buy some shit”

<Ann> which is fine

<M O N K E> yeah

<M O N K E> _but don’t use bosses money_

<Ren> hoo boy

<Makoto> that was incredibly irresponsible, Ann.

<Ann> sorry mom

<Professional Gremlin> you’re fucked ann

<Professional Gremlin> sojiros gonna whip out his shotgun

<Ren> when the fuck did boss buy a shotgun

<Professional Gremlin> since the whole yaldaboath incident

<Ann> boss fucks up a god with the power of coffee and shotgun

<Ren> _you’ve hooed your last boy_

<Professional Gremlin> gimmie a minute im fucking wheezing

<Homicidal Floof> my secretary is currently wondering what has me snickering like a schoolgirl.

<Ren> say that an old man is about to throw hands with a stand user

<Ren> over beans

<Professional Gremlin> im fucking deceased

<Homicidal Floof> no, don’t die!

<Professional Gremlin> its just a joke dw

<Homicidal Floof> oh phew

<Ren> gay

<Professional Gremlin> fuck you

<Makoto> gay.

<Homicidal Floof> and fuck you too, Mako-chan.

<M O N K E> fuck persona weaknesses and resists

<M O N K E> boss hits through all

<Ann> with his almighty coffee beans

<Ren> “almighty coffee beans” is his main attack

<Ren> deals severe almighty damage

<Ren> every debuff

<Professional Gremlin> what kind of fucking coffee beans make somebody feel uncontrollable fear

<Ren> the Boss kind

<Yusuke> we should head back to LeBlanc.

<Yusuke> and brace for the hell that Boss will unleash upon us.

<Ann> hell no

<Ann> we need those beans

<Ann> were phantom thieves yeah?

<Ren> ann no

<Makoto> Ann…

<Professional Gremlin> mwehehehe

<Professional Gremlin> operation bean heist is a go!

<Ren> this can only end badly

* * *

<Ren> and what did I fucking say

<Ann> well that didn’t go to plan

<Professional Gremlin> you had one simple job

<Professional Gremlin> and you fucked it up

<Professional Gremlin> how

<Ann> I blame the store assistant

<Ann> he was an asshole

<M O N K E> well yeah

<M O N K E> that’s what you get for barging into the store shouting “where is the b e a n s”

<Professional Gremlin> you have been demoted to bean lady

**USER “Professional Gremlin” changed Ann’s name to “bean lady”**

<bean lady> fuck you Futaba

<M O N K E> na na

<M O N K E> only haru gets to do that to futaba

<Professional Gremlin> fucking stop

<Professional Gremlin> we aren’t dating

<Makoto> Yet.

<Makoto> somehow.

<Professional Gremlin> can we just focus on anns fuckup please

<Yusuke> ann, it was a simple heist

<Yusuke> how did you fail this?

<bean lady> carefully

<cat> how the fuck did we function as phantom thieves a year ago

<Ren> good question

<bean lady> help me ren

<Ren> I would

<Ren> but

<Ren> my mom is friends with Mrs. Amagi from the Amagi inn

<Ren> and they’re cooking tonight

<Ren> Miss Amagi brought her wife along too

<Ren> shes cool, she likes to kick shit

<M O N K E> sounds like my kind of person

<M O N K E> whats her name again

<Ren> uh

<Ren> Chie, I think

<Makoto> Oh, I’ve heard of her!

<Makoto> Chie Amagi, right?

<Ren> mhm

<Makoto> she’s relatively new in the police force

<Makoto> She’s one of the few actually good cops.

<Professional Gremlin> so are we just gonna graze over anns fuckup

<M O N K E> yup

<M O N K E> I would be careful tho ren

<M O N K E> I’ve heard horror stories about amagis cooking

<Ren> which one?

<M O N K E> **_both._**

<cat> I smell death from downstairs

<Ren> hoo boy

<Ren> Mako, if I die, write something corny on my gravestone

<Professional Gremlin> ill help

<Professional Gremlin> then cry profusely

<Makoto> if you die, I’m dying with you.

<Homicidal Floof> that is…oddly wholesome.

<M O N K E> somehow

<Ren> <3

<Makoto> …<3

<cat> stop being mushy you two

<cat> that’s haru and futabas job

<Professional Gremlin> ill fuck you up cat

<cat> try me

<Ren> youd lose

<cat> fuck no I wouldn’t

<Ren> you lost to that fox at the shrine

<Ren> with the heart apron

<Ren> if you cant beat the fox, you cant beat futaba

<cat> fuck

<cat> I cant really respond to that

<Homicidal Floof> I think the correct response is “get fucked mona”.

<Professional Gremlin> hell yeah

<Homicidal Floof> :)

<Professional Gremlin> :)

<Ren> gay

<cat> gay

<bean lady> gay

<Yusuke> Gay.

<M O N K E> gay

<Makoto> very gay.

<Professional Gremlin> i swear you people need to get more jokes

<Professional Gremlin> this shit is getting old

<Ren> its called brotherly teasing

<Ren> deal with it

<M O N K E> or stop dancing around Haru and effing date already

<M O N K E> its obvious you two like eachother

<M O N K E> so let yourself be happy

<M O N K E> you deserve it after all the shit we had to deal with

<Professional Gremlin> I...

<Professional Gremlin> thank you ryuji

<Professional Gremlin> that was actually really nice.

<Professional Gremlin> ...

<Professional Gremlin> @Homicidal Floofball

<Professional Gremlin> wanna go out on a date?

<Professional Gremlin> like an actual date

<Homicidal Floof> **_YES!_**

<Homicidal Floof> thank you ryuji-kun!

**USER Professional Gremlin IS OFFLINE**

**USER Homicidal Floof IS OFFLINE**

<Ren> how the fuck was it that easy

<M O N K E> huh

<M O N K E> guess i have a talent for this shit

<bean lady> maybe you can help me next

<M O N K E> no you need to suffer for the bean incident

<bean lady> :(


	4. the amagis drop in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yukiko and her wife drop in, all chaos evolves from new stand users being thrown into the mix

<Ren> ok so I may have done a fucky wucky

<Professional Gremlin> please never use the term “fucky wucky” ever again

<bean lady> fucky wucky

<Professional Gremlin> I can and will throw my homicidal gf at you

<Homicidal Floof> It’ll be our showtime attack!

<Professional Gremlin> Hell yeah!

<Professional Gremlin> <3

<Homicidal Floof> <3

<cat> gay

<Yusuke> I blame Ryuji for releasing their gay limiters.

<M O N K E> eff you man

<Ren> okay but actually

<Ren> I might’ve made a mistake

<Makoto> …do tell, Ren.

<Ren> so last night we had dinners with the amagis

<M O N K E> did their cooking kill you

<Ren> no, but it certainly killed Morganas appetite

<cat> **_that wasn’t food._**

<why the fuck you lyin> so what happened, senpai?

<why the fuck you lyin> hang on I need to change this name

<why the fuck you lyin> it irks me

**USER “why the fuck you lyin” CHANGED THEIR NAME TO “Violet”**

<Violet> ok continue

<Ren> so we were about to start eating

<cat> more like start running

<Ren> _listen, I don’t think any of us wanted to touch that slop_

<Ren> I at least wanna get married first

<Ren> before I die horribly

<bean lady> it cant have been that bad.

<cat> _oh it was._

<Ren> _it was._

<Ren> anyways

<Ren> morgana says something about the food being our death sentence

<cat> I wasn’t wrong

<cat> look at the fucking pictures I got

**IMAGE ATTACHED: “mysteryfoodXdeluxe.png”**

<Makoto> _christ._

<bean leady> holy fuck

<Homicidal Floof> my lord.

<Professional Gremlin> is that

<Professional Gremlin> y’know

<Professional Gremlin> edible?

<Violet> I don’t need to be a food expert to know that will probably kill you.

<M O N K E> _probably?_

<Yusuke> So, abominations of food being left behind…

<M O N K E> that aint food man

<Yusuke> what happened next?

<Yusuke> if this “fucky wucky” was you eating the food, then while I pray for your recovery, it isn’t exactly serious.

<Professional Gremlin> that’s cold inari

<Yusuke> I-I never meant it that way!

<Ren> relax yusuke its fine

<Ren> I know you didn’t mean it that way

<Ren> the real problem is that when morgana said that thing about the food, Chie Amagi turned to look at him with super wide eyes and shit

<Makoto> wait, the only people who can understand what Morgana is saying are...

<cat> exactly

<cat> persona users

<M O N K E> holy fuck

<Professional Gremlin> oh hey ryuji actually said fuck

<bean lady> not the time futaba

<Professional Gremlin> fuck u bean mom

<Yusuke> will this be another akechi situation?

<Ren> im not sure.

<Ren> so im gonna talk to the amagis today

<Ren> just about personas and shit

<Ren> don’t worry, ill be fine

<Makoto> Please, Ren, be safe.

<Professional Gremlin> if they hurt you, I’ll fight em

<M O N K E> good effing luck with that lol

<Professional Gremlin> …

<Professional Gremlin> me and haru will fight them

<Violet> we’ll all fight them

<Ren> guys please

<Ren> stop with the war declarations

<Ren> the amagis are actually really nice, unlike akechis bs façade

<Homicidal Floof> Okay, but please be careful regardless.

<Homicidal Floof> I’m pretty sure nothing bad is going to happen though.

<Ren> thank you for not overreacting

<M O N K E> hey

<Ren> and you too bro

<M O N K E> bro…

<Ren> bro…

<cat> bro…

<Professional Gremlin> gay

<Ren> fuck off sis

<Professional Gremlin> **_the tables have turned_**

<Ren> okay, in front of the inn now

<Ren> going in

* * *

**USER “Ren” ADDED USERS “Chie Amagi” AND “Yukiko Amagi” TO CHATROOM “I want to commit liven’t”**

<Ren> ok so we had no reason to be scared at all

<Ren> there cool

<Professional Gremlin> yo

<Professional Gremlin> welcome to the stand gang

<M O N K E> none of us have watched even a single episode of jojo why do we still call our personas stands

<Homicidal Floof> because its funny!

<Professional Gremlin> also because jojo is meme material

<Chie> is this working?

<Chie> sorry, my phone sucks

<cat> I know that feeling

<Chie> a-are you… that cat? The talking one?

<cat> the one and only

<Professional Gremlin> yeah hes a massive pussy

<cat> ill fuck you up

<Ren> yes, this is morgana.

<bean lady> well fuck code names I guess

<Chie> ive been here for about 5 minutes and its already fucking amazing

<Chie> so you guys are persona users yeah?

<Makoto> yes, we were the Phantom Thieves of Hearts that were all around Tokyo last year.

<Yukiko> oh, I’ve heard of you. You were the ones who were accused of causing Okumuras death, yes?

<Homicidal Floof> well, yes, but we didn’t-

<Homicidal Floof> wait, did you say “accused”?

<Yukiko> mhm

<Yukiko> I had a feeling that the news was being a bit shifty.

<Chie> so me and Yukiko came to the conclusion that the whole “caused Okumuras death” thing was bullshit

<Chie> and im so glad I was right

<Chie> you guys are awesome!

<Chie> leaping into TV’s to save people from their shadows and super cool and all

<Chie> but T H I E V E S

<Professional Gremlin> hold the fjuck up a minute

<Professional Gremlin> leaping into what now?

<Violet> lmao “fjuck”

<Yukikos> TVs. we jumped into TVs to enter the TV world, which is where we fought shadows.

<Yukiko> …how did you guys access the Shadows?

<bean lady> phone app

<Chie> wtf

<Chie> that would have been so much more easy than the TV world

<Yusuke> I sense a much larger story to unpack here.

<Ren> lets start from the beginning then.

* * *

<Chie> whoa

<Chie> that

<Chie> is

<Chie> fucking

<Chie> AWESOME!

<Yukiko> I’m incredibly sorry about the treatment you received from the police though, Ren.

<Yukiko> Its just… inhumane.

<Chie> yeah fuck those cops

<Chie> im gonna be a good cop

<Chie> that kicks bad guys in the balls

<M O N K E> if you ever visit the prison in Tokyo, can you kick kamoshida in the balls for me

<bean lady> give him two kicks from me and my friend shiho

<Ren> and 3 from me

<Professional Gremlin> better yet just delete his balls from existence

<Chie> gimmie a minute im fucking wheezing

<Chie> you want 3 kicks Ren?

<Ren> yeah

<Ren> one for making my school year a fucking nightmare and leaking my false record

<Ren> two for my friends Mishima, Ryuji, Ann, and Shiho

<Ren> and three because fuck kamoshida in particular

<Chie> thank you for filing this information, will be carried out as soon as possible

<M O N K E> I already like her

<M O N K E> you’re a good cop

<Chie> I try.

<Yukiko> You try very hard :)

<Chie> <3

<Yukiko> <3

<cat> gay

<Chie> fuck you

<cat> sorry, force of habit

<cat> from the two resident gays in our team

<Professional Gremlin> fuck off mona

<Chie> hey futaba-chan

<Chie> if you want

<Chie> I can give you Chie’s tips for dating girls

<Professional Gremlin> fuck yeah

<Professional Gremlin> oh yeah

<Professional Gremlin> feel free to drop the honorific stuff

<Professional Gremlin> you’re cool

<Chie> I have been P R O M O T E D

<M O N K E> A S C E N D E D

* * *

<Chie> oh yeah

<Chie> what are your Personas like

<Chie> im curious

<cat> should we go in order?

<bean lady> yeah sure

<Chie> Mine is Haraedo-no-Okami

<Professional Gremlin> why does that sound like a street fighter move

<cat> lmao

<Chie> Mostly Physical attacks and shit like that, but I had a little ice magic in there

<M O N K E> eff yeah

<M O N K E> Physical gang

<Chie> gang gang

<M O N K E> indeed

<Chie> ayyyyy

<Yukiko> my Persona was Sumeo-Okami.

<Yukiko> she used mostly Fire magic, and I was the main healer of our group.

<bean lady> oh hey, another fire user

<bean lady> Y’all already know this, but my persona is Celestine.

<Professional Gremlin> your persona looked kinda wack ngl

<bean lady> fuck you she looked fabulous

<bean lady> basically I was the main fire user

<M O N K E> my persona is called William

<M O N K E> mostly physical attacks and shit but I did have some lightning

<Chie> fucking

<Chie> _William_

<M O N K E> hey don’t diss William

<M O N K E> hes cool

<Makoto> I think its more the name that’s funny.

<Makoto> its just… so out of place on something so “badass” looking.

<cat> W I L L I A M

<Ren> Morganas persona is Diego. He was our Wind user and secondary healer.

<cat> and my persona does not look like the money from Dora the Explorer

<cat> so stop with the jokes

<Chie> fuck

<Yukiko> sorry, its just quite amusing imagining a cat summoning a persona.

<cat> I am not a

<cat> fuck

<Professional Gremlin> nice try mona

<cat> bite me

<Professional Gremlin> na I already do that to Haru

<M O N K E> ew

<bean lady> tmi

<Yusuke> carrying on…

<Yusuke> my Persona is Gorokichi. I was the main Ice user of our group, and am quite skilled with my katana.

<Violet> skilled with a katana, but never has enough money for food

<Yusuke> I have…other priorities.

<Yukiko> if you ever stop by the amagi in, I would love to treat you to some home-made dinner!

<Yusuke> I thank you for the kind offer, but I feel that I must make my own way through life, with the help of my friends and Gorokichi.

<Professional Gremlin> crisis averted

<Makoto> Agnes is my Persona. She could use Nuclear-based attacks, and I was the main healer of our group.

<Chie> hold the fuck up a minute

<Chie> **_Nuclear?!_**

<cat> ye

<cat> why do you sound so surprised?

<Yukiko> back in our prime days, we only had the basic Fire/Ice/Wind/Electric/Light/Dark/Almighty attacks

<Chie> yeah, and dark and light attacks were stuff like Mudo and Hama

<Yukiko> nothing about Nuclear attacks.

<Ren> huh.

<M O N K E> oh boy hes typing

<Professional Gremlin> get ready for the wall of text

<Ren> we had Nuclear, Curse, Bless, and Psychokinesis. Hama and Mudo attacks were Curse/Bless based, while Curse/Bless also had their own individual skills, like Eigaon dealing heavy curse damage and Kougaon being heavy Bless damage.

<Chie> wtf changed while we were away

<Chie> my poor meat-infused brain cant handle it

<bean lady> oof

<M O N K E> also Makotos persona took the form of a motorcycle

<Professional Gremlin> yeah queens a badass

<Chie> _I need to see this._

<Yukiko> later, Chie.

<Chie> aww

<Professional Gremlin> ok so me next

<Professional Gremlin> My persona is Al Azif, I was the super-rad navigator of the group

<Chie> oh hey, you’re like Rise

<M O N K E> hold the fuck up

<M O N K E> rise

<bean lady> like Rise Kujikawa?

<Chie> yup!

<Chie> She was our navi.

<Chie> when she and our leader Yu got married, they moved to Tokyo

<Chie> surprised you never saw them once

<Professional Gremlin> _RISE KUJIKAWA IS A PERSONA USER?!_

<Ren> hoo boy

* * *

<Homicidal Floof> ok, me next!

<Homicidal Floof> Futaba finally calmed down, after many kisses and headpats.

<Professional Gremlin> <3

<Homicidal Floof> <3

<cat> gay

<Professional Gremlin> fuck you

<Homicidal Floof> my persona is Lucy, I used mostly Gun-based attacks, with Psychokinesis thrown into the mix.

<Yukiko> Gun?

<Ren> yeah

<Ren> Lucys dress opens up and theres a fuck ton of guns and shit underneath it

<Ren> its honestly terrifying

<M O N K E> I have no shame in saying that I nearly shit myself

<cat> same ngl

<Violet> up next is… me! My Persona is Ella, and she used Bless-based attacks.

<Violet> she also looked, in my opinion, super fucking cool.

<Professional Gremlin> and the “Sumire says fuck” count climbs one more.

<cat> and last but not least…

<Ren> I was a special case. I could use multiple Persona.

<Chie> !!!

<Yukiko> !!!

<Ren> My initial Persona was Arsene, A Curse-based persona, which then evolved into Satanael, then last but not least Raoul.

<Ren> and im just gonna say, Raoul looks fucking rad

<cat> no argument

<Chie> you’re a wild card?!

<Ren> wait where did you hear that term?

<Yukiko> You know how we mentioned our leader, Yu?

<Yukiko> He was a wild card as well.

<Ren> holy shit

<M O N K E> holy eff man

<Professional Gremlin> damn son

<bean lady> old meme

<bean lady> but also woah.

<Chie> hey

<Chie> uh

<Chie> Futaba?

<Professional Gremlin> yo

<Chie> can I add some people to the chat?

<Chie> they were our team, they for sure gotta hear about this

<Professional Gremlin> yeah sure

<Professional Gremlin> shoot

<Chie> thx

**USER “Chie Amagi” ADDED Yu Narukami, Rise Narukami, Naoto Tatsumi, Kanji Tatsumi, Teddie, and Yosuke Hanamura TO CHATROOM “I want to commit liven’t”.**

<Ren> no amount of Hoo Boys can describe my feelings right now


	5. raoul be stylin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raoul vs izanagi-no-okami: who be stylin' more?

<bean lady> holy fuck

<bean lady> its risette

<Professional Gremlin> WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS ANN

<Professional Gremlin> *PANTHER

<Professional Gremlin> FUCK

<M O N K E> for real?

<Ren> the legendary “for real?” emerges once again

<Ren> but yeah this is gonna be a shitshow to explain

<cat> that’s an understatement

<Rise> who are you people

<Rise> and why is someone here called cat

<Professional Gremlin> because hes a pussy

<cat> fuck you

<Rise> ok that was pretty good ngl

<Yu> ok, but, for real, who are you people?

<Ren> well

<Chie> HI YU

<Chie> THEY’RE PERSONA USERS

<Chie> RENS A WILD CARD LIKE YOU

<Yu> what wha

<Yu> are you for real?

<Ren> yeah shes for real

<Yu> …can you prove it?

<Ren> Nice to me-heet you, ho!

<Yu> ME EAT YOU WHOLE…

<Ren> I am in your care…

<bean lady> hi what the fuck

<Rise> I’ve been his wife for the past 3 years and I still cant give a good answer for that

<Professional Gremlin> is it like wild card morse code or some shit

<Professional Gremlin> because I want to learn it

<Yu> holy shit you are a wild card

<Yu> that’s…wow.

<Chie> OH YEAH THEY’RE ALSO THE PHANTOM THIEVES

<bean lady> well fuck subtlety I guess

<Yusuke> We were never subtle.

<M O N K E> yeah we all remember kaneshiros palace

<M O N K E> nice exit biker mom

<Makoto> I can, and will, castrate you.

<Rise> HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ARE THE PHANTOM THIEVES?

<Rise> THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME

<Rise> I LOVE THE PHANTOM THIEVES

<Yu> huh

<Yu> so naotos hunch that the phantom thieves were persona users was actually true

<Naoto> WHY WOULD YOU EVER DOUBT ME?

<Yu> last Thursday

<Naoto> I SAID I WAS SORRY YU

<Yu> sorry doesn’t fix my jack frost plushy

<Rise> you really need to fix the caps lock situation on your phone naoto

<Rise> it sounds like you’re yelling all the time

<Professional Gremlin> I might be able to fix that

<Naoto> CAN YOU PLEASE?

<Professional Gremlin> na this is funny

<Makoto> ok, so getting back on track…

<Ren> what track

<cat> we derailed off any kind of track a long time ago

<Makoto> for the love of…

<Makoto> how did I fall in love with you?

<Ren> max charm

<Naoto> NOW THAT I KNOW THE PHANTOM THIEVES ARE PERSONA USERS, WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH TELLING ME YOU’RE METHODS?

<Naoto> I WILL NOT INCRIMINATE OR ACCUSE YOU IN ANY WAY, IT SEEMS YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT OF THAT ALREADY

<Naoto> I JUST WISH TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

<Yusuke> Thank you, Mrs. Tatsumi.

<Professional Gremlin> okay ngl the caps lock is fucking hilarious oh my lord

<Professional Gremlin> but also thanks for not jumping to conclusions and shit

<Rise> ikr

<Ren> ok, buckle in then

<Ren> I left out some details when I was giving the abbreviated story to the amagis

<Ren> its showtime!

<Professional Gremlin> cringe

<Ren> stfu

* * *

<Naoto> OH MY.

<Naoto> TO THINK THAT THE YOUNG MAN WHO WAS MY SUPPOSED SUCCESSOR WAS SUCH A MANIPULATIVE FIGURE…

<Rise> ok im actually a little shook with the Shido stuff

<Rise> that’s just fucking evil

<Rise> you guys were doing good and all the assholes in power didn’t like that

<Rise> chie go kick the Tokyo police force in the balls

<Chie> right away ma’am

<M O N K E> cool cop strikes again

<Naoto> I’LL HELP YOU WITH THAT CHIE.

<Chie> the ball kicking part or the “removing corruption from the police force” part

<Naoto> BOTH.

<Yu> I really wish I could have helped you guys more.

<Yu> having to fight a literal god to change the heart of all of Tokyo…

<Yu> and to think that Igor was somehow locked away…

<Ren> yeah it was a wild fucking year

<Ren> but I made some great friends along the way

<Ren> and hey

<Ren> I can now say with a straight face that I shot a god in the face

<Rise> that’s gotta be a great conversation starter

<bean lady> “yeah hey there, did you know that once I SHOT A FUCKING GOD IN THE FACE”

<Naoto> YU, YOU BEAT A GOD BY HAVING IZANAGI-NO-OKAMI PERFORM A SICK GUITAR SOLO

<Naoto> I THINK YOU WIN.

<Yu> but shooting gods in the face is cool

<Professional Gremlin> hold the fuck up, a guitar solo?

<Rise> here lol

**ATTACHED VIDEO “senpaifucksupagodwithasickguitarsolo.mp4”**

<Professional Gremlin> what the fuck

<Homicidal Floof> what the fuck?

<M O N K E> that’s effing badass

<cat> oh hey haru actually swore

<Makoto> that persona looks quite stylish as well.

<Yu> yeah Izanagi-no-okami is stylin

<Ren> nobody can beat Raoul in terms of style

<Naoto> RAOUL? AS IN THE CHARACTER FROM ARSENE LUPIN?

**ATTACHED IMAGE “imamthouanddapperasfuck.png”**

<Chie> fucking

<Chie> that looks stylish as hell wtf

<Rise> im sorry Yu

<Rise> but Izanagi gets beat out in the style department here

<Yu> oof

<bean lady> rip

<Rise> still love you tho

<Yu> <3

<Rise> <3

<cat> how the fuck did you even get a picture of your persona

<cat> phones don’t work in the metaverse

<Ren> _m a g i c_

<Yosuke> ok im gonna make my presence known

<Yosuke> your year fucking sucked man

<Yosuke> you don’t deserve that shit

<Yosuke> also yeah that persona is stylish as fuck

<Yu> bro what about me

<Yosuke> bro your persona looks rad as well

<Yu> bro…

<Yosuke> bro…

<Yu> bro…

<Chie> gay

<Yosuke> fuck off Chie

<Yu> im married fuck you Chie

<Rise> get out of the closet then Yosuke

<Yosuke> no its comfortable here

<bean lady> hes stuck in Narnia

<Homicidal Floof> wait, why would Yosuke-kun be stuck inside a closet?

<bean lady> it’s a saying

<Naoto> “STUCK INSIDE THE CLOSET” USUALLY CORRELATES TO AN INDIVIDUAL BEING UNABLE OR UNWILLING TO ACCEPT THAT THEY MAY HAVE ROMANTIC INTERESTS OF PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER.

<Rise> thank you dictionary

<Rise> very cool

<cat> in short

<cat> gay

<bean lady> like you and Futaba

<Professional Gremlin> fuck you ann

<Homicidal Floof> …

<bean lady> hey wait haru why are you reaching into your bag

<bean lady> WAIT

<Homicidal Floof> **_YOU SHOULDN’T ANNOY A GIRL WITH AN AXE!_**

* * *

<M O N K E> so I just witnessed a murder

<Ren> F

<Yu> F

<Yosuke> F

<Rise> should we report it to Chie?

<Chie> hell no I don’t have a death wish

<Yusuke> A wise choice.

<Homicidal Floof> she’ll be fine. It will just take a couple hours for the bruise or her forehead to disappear.

<Yu> im scared

<Rise> pussy

<Yu> :(

<Professional Gremlin> hey that’s my line

<cat> fuck off

<Ren> oh yeah, good news you guys

<bean lady> hm?

<Ren> I managed to get enough tickets for you guys to come and visit Inaba for the holiday

<Ren> you guys wanna come?

<M O N K E> is that even a question

<M O N K E> fuck yeah I do

<Professional Gremlin> WOO

<Professional Gremlin> INABA TIME

<Yu> oh, you’re from Inaba Ren?

<Ren> mhm

<Yu> me and Rise were actually going to come back and visit Yukiko and Chie next week

<Yu> maybe your team and our team can meet up?

<Ren> hell yeah im down

<Chie> we can show you guys the TV world!

<Chie> I wanna see ALL your personas

<Yukiko> including W I L L I A M

<M O N K E> stop insulting my persona

<Rise> fucking

<Rise> _William_

<M O N K E> never thought id ever say this

<M O N K E> but eff you risette

<Rise> na na

<Rise> y’all call me Rise

<Rise> us persona users gotta stick together

<Rise> plus you’re cool

<Yusuke> that is…oddly wholesome.

<Professional Gremlin> anything with “y’all” automatically gets reduced to “meme” inari

<Homicidal Floof> Get your facts right.

<cat> gay

<Homicidal Floof> *brandishes axe with malicious intent*

<cat> I apologize deeply

<Homicidal Floof> accepted.

<Rise> everybody says y’all though

<Naoto> NO, I DON’T.

<Makoto> Me neither.

**USER “Violet” IS ONLINE**

<Violet> Hi senpai!

<Violet> oh wow

<Violet> the chats really filled out

<Violet> hello new people

<Yu> sup

<Yosuke> yo

<Violet> so whats happening?

<M O N K E> basically

<M O N K E> risette and co. are persona users

<M O N K E> and ren has tickets for us to go visit inaba for the holidays

<Violet> yay! I would love to see your hometown Ren!

<Violet> also RISETTE IS A PERSONA USER?

<Rise> ye

<Rise> hello

<Violet> holy shit

<cat> we gonna fight some shadows in the fancy TV world too

<Violet> it's going to be nice, fighting alongside Ella once again...

<Ren> I always felt more comfortable with Raoul floating by my side...

<Homicidal Floof> I missed making them beg for their lives…

<Yu> fucking

<cat> one of these is not like the other

<Naoto> OH GOOD LORD.

<Yosuke> I haven’t felt fear like this since the hot springs incident

<Chie> _NEVER AGAIN._

<Yu> I blame yukiko

<Yukiko> I’ll admit, that WAS my fault.

<Yu> its good we already forgave you guys

<Rise> im starting to see where the “homicidal” part comes from

<Rise> @Professional Gremlin

<Rise> you scored yourself a great catch

<Rise> shes a keeper

<Professional Gremlin> you can say that again

<Homicidal Floof> aww…thank you Futaba. <3

<Professional Gremlin> <3

<cat> *inhales*

<cat> actually na this is too wholesome to meme on

<Homicidal Floof> glad to see you’re learning.

<Yusuke> I will start packing my bags. I look forward to seeing you again Ren.

<Ren> you too man

<Yu> I just realised that this is technically your chatroom, and we are invading it

<Yu> should we leave?

<bean lady> na you guys are welcome to stay

<bean lady> you’re all cool

<M O N K E> and funny too

<Yu> _Mission Passed._

<Rise> _++ respect_

<Professional Gremlin> okay yep you’re all staying

* * *

**USER “Kanji” IS ONLINE**

<Kanji> what’d I miss

<Kanji> whats going on

<Kanji> …

<Kanji> yeah sorry senpai you lost this battle

<Yu> this is bullying

<Yu> Phantom Thieves stole my style

<Yu> im reporting this to Naoto

<Naoto> I CANT RESTORE THAT WHICH YOU DID NOT HAVE FROM THE BEGINNING.

<Yu> fucking

<Ren> rip

<Kanji> nice one nao

<Naoto> <3

<Kanji> <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im making up half of this as I go along, thanks for all the comments though, helps me think of new ideas
> 
> you guys are the best


	6. Phantom Thieves in Inaba pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the IT and the thieves visit Inaba to meet up with friends, hilarity insues

**USER “M O N K E” CHANGED CHAT NAME TO “INABA TIME LADS”**

<bean lady> Im honestly excited

<bean lady> we get too see Ren again

<bean lady> I feel like its been ages

<cat> lady ann its been about a month and a half

<bean lady> STILL TOO LONG

<Chie> me and yukiko can come meet you guys at the station too

<Chie> its been a while since ive seen Yu and Rise

<Yu> thanks guys

<Rise> so…whats the plan? Me and Yu were gonna just come back to spend some time with everyone, but now we have the phantom chads in the mix

<Professional Gremlin> virtually none of us are chads

<Professional Gremlin> Ren just likes to pretend hes cool

<Professional Gremlin> ryuji’s kinda a dipshit sometimes

<Professional Gremlin> and Inari is just…inari.

<M O N K E> I would be offended

<M O N K E> but you are 100% right

<cat> oh hey he admits it

<M O N K E> youre one to talk

<Ren> yeah we all remember madarames palace

<cat> _listen…_

<Ren> also wtf are you on of course im cool

<Makoto> …sometimes.

<Yosuke> rip

<Ren> my girlfriends insulting my style please help

<Yu> I know that feeling

<Yu> …wild card hug?

<Ren> wild card hug.

<Ren> pat pat

<Yu> pat pat

<bean lady> wtf

<Kanji> is this the “wild card lingo” I’ve been hearing about

<Rise> probably

<cat> gay

<Ren> morgana you’re sitting in my bag

<Ren> I will fucking throw you across the street

<cat> try me

<cat> you wont though

<Ren> …

<Chie> oh boy I see him winding up his arm

<Rise> _please record it_

<Ren> this bag empty…

<cat> _oh fuck wait ren please_

<Ren> **_Yeet!_**

* * *

<Violet> so the first thing I see when I step off the train is senpai fucking lobbing morgana across the street with the force of a god

<Violet> what a great start to a trip to Inaba

<Kanji> is he ok?

<bean lady> He’s had worse.

<Homicidal Floof> such as the hot springs incident

<Ren> _it was an honest mistake Haru_

<Homicidal Floof> We know, we just reacted on instinct…

<M O N K E> my balls still hurt thinking about it

<Yosuke> _This is bringing up unpleasant memories from my youth_

<Yu> Yosuke it was fucking 5 years ago

<Yu> you make it sound like it was 30

<Naoto> I STILL PRIDE MYSELF FOR HAVING AN EXCELLENT SHOT.

<Yukiko> I would agree, you hit Yosuke with incredible precision using that wooden bucket

<Yosuke> Use that amazing shot on shadows then, _not my balls_

<Yu> speaking of Shadows…

<Yu> do you want to introduce our Phantom Friends to Teddie and the TV world?

<cat> Teddie?

<Naoto> LONG STORY.

<Ren> that would be cool

<Ren> lead the way

* * *

**PRIVATE CHAT: YU NARUKAMI AND RISE NARUKAMI**

<Yu> this…really brings up some memories

<Yu> walking down the shopping district to get to Junes

<Yu> to go and beat up a bunch of shadows

<Yu> feels as if we are all teenagers again…

<Rise> yeah...

<Rise> it reminds me of when I first met you.

<Rise> see that? We just passed Marakyu tofu!

<Rise> I remember meeting you there with kanji and yosuke

<Yu> Yosuke was acting so awkwardly

<Yu> it was hilarious

<Rise> yeah!

<Rise> im…so glad I met you Yu. And everyone else.

<Yu> same. And now we got a new group of chaotic persona users with us

<Yu> more friends for the book

<Rise> I cant wait, honestly. Its been a while since ive done, well...anything...with Kouzeon.

<Yu> …

<Rise> …

<Yu> Love you, Rise.

<Rise> You too, Yu.

* * *

<Chie> and here we are!

<Chie> our secret headquarters!

<Professional Gremlin> _it’s a Junes superstore_

<Yosuke> you insultin’ Junes

<Professional Gremlin> …no

<cat> that means yes

<Ren> lets head in

<Ren> maybe I can get my hands on the latest featherman manga as well

<Yosuke> sorry, we sold out about an hour ago

<Ren> fucks sake

<Chie> and this is it!

<Chie> our gateway to the tv world!

<Yu> honestly surprised nobody has bought this TV over the past 5 years

<Homicidal Floof> _is that a challenge?_

<Chie> pls no

<Chie> fighting shadows is like my performance drug

<bean lady> that’s unhealthy

<cat> no, that’s Haru

<Professional Gremlin> stop insulting my gf

<Yosuke> actually y’all have me to thank for that

<Yosuke> I made it so that TV is no longer for sale

<Yosuke> it’s a display item.

<Yosuke> old, yeah, but its special to us, so I aint letting it go any time soon

<Rise> that’s…r-really nice Yosuke.

<Yu> are you crying?

<Rise> no

<Yukiko> yes, she is

<Rise> fuck off Yukiko

<Yosuke> ok so I managed to clear out any customers from this area.

<Yu> alright then, lets hop in!

<Yu> **_Yeet_**

<Ren> holy fuck they weren’t lying about literally jumping into the TV

<Ren> …

<Professional Gremlin> don’t fucking say it

<Makoto> Ren, please…

<Ren> **_Its showtime!_**

* * *

<Yu> Alright welcome to the TV world

<Yu> also wtf are y’all wearing

<Ren> these are our thief outfits

<Ren> when we enter the metaverse, they manifest onto us

<Ren> on smthn like that morganas bad at explanations

<cat> I’m not!

<bean lady> speaking of Morgana…

<Rise> eeep!

<Rise> a monster cat!

<Chie> _and its adorable_

<cat> **_wait no_**

<cat> also I AM NOT A CAT

<Homicidal Floof> **IMAGE ATTACHED: “whythefuckyoulyin.png”**

<cat> damnit

<Professional Gremlin> nice one hun

<Teddie> Sensei! Theres tons of weird people in the TV world! And theres this one scary girl stroking a double-bladed axe and giggling!

<Ren> oh that’s Haru

<Ren> youll be fine just don’t go anywhere near her for the time being

<Teddie> Thank you!

<Teddie> wait who are you?

<Yu> Teddie, this is Ren, hes a phantom thief, and a Persona user like us

<Yu> we’re just showing them around the TV world

<Teddie> oh cool

<Teddie> do you guys wanna fight some shadows? Me and Chie-chan sometimes do that when were all bored

<Ren> im on board with that, thanks

<Ren> @everyone

<Ren> get your asses over here, were gonna go fuck up some shadows

<Homicidal Floof> **lets make them beg for their lives.**

<Rise> im scared

<Yu> I almost feel bad for the shadows now

<Violet> how long will it take to walk to the nearest outpost of shadows?

<Chie> uh…maybe 15 minutes?

<cat> then ive got a better idea

<cat> MORGANNAAA…

<Yukiko> what is Morgana doing?

<M O N K E> oh this is gonna be good

<cat> TRANSSFORM!

* * *

<Rise> what the fuck

<Rise> just what the fuck

<Homicidal Floof> it’s the Mona-mobile! Its how we got around Mementos quickly!

<Yu> Mementos?

<Ren> basically your TV world but scarier

<Yu> ah

<cat> Hop in everyone! Theres enough space for all of you!

<Rise> _How are you texting?_

<Chie> Does this mean im technically sitting in Morganas asshole

<Yosuke> Please don’t word it like that

<Yosuke> _Please._

<Yukiko> why is Morganas rear end so comfortable?

<Yu> Ideal firmness…

<cat> *visible fear*

<Yu> well that’s going to be taken out of context isn’t it

<Kanji> yeah you kinda walked yourself into that one senpai

<Kanji> also im coming too, make room for me

<cat> please don’t talk about how firm I am

<cat> it concerns me

<Ren> Morganas pretty firm ngl

<cat> _JOKER!_

<Rise> _WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS_

* * *

<M O N K E> I SWEAR TO GOD REN

<M O N K E> IF YOU PUT THE RICKROLL ON ONE MORE TIME, I WILL EFFING SMACK YOU

<bean lady> I second this

<Ren> but it’s a good song…

<Yu> ^

<Rise> Yu honey on this we disagree

<Yu> rip

<Yusuke> if I may, let me put on something.

<Ren> yeah sure, shoot.

<Ren> …

<Ren> …is this…?

<Ren> _What is love_

<Yu> _baby don’t hurt me_

<M O N K E> _don’t hurt me_

<cat> _no more_

<Makoto> Yusuke, what have you done?

<Makoto> now everybody doing that head-bobbing thing!

<Rise> this is actually the greatest thing ive done in a while

<Ren> come on hun

<Ren> _Join us_

<Makoto> …You’re lucky I love you.

<Professional Gremlin> She’s clearly enjoying this

<Makoto> …shut up.

<M O N K E> OWW EFF I SMACKED MY HEAD ON THE DASHBOARD

<Teddie> this is super fun!

* * *

<Kanji> why is Noir so fucking terrifying while fighting shadows

<M O N K E> don’t question it, just stay the fuck away from her while shes like this

<Yu> duly noted

<Yu> also it felt kinda satisfying to let Izanagi-No-Okami out for a little bit

<Yu> sprinkle some Myriad Truths on some shadows

<Yosuke> “sprinkle”

<Chie> more like fucking obliterate

<Yukiko> your persona’s abilities interested me quite a bit though, Ren.

<Yukiko> putting all enemies on the field to sleep, for such a low SP cost…

<Ren> yeah it’s a cool ability

<Ren> fits my dapper as fuck Persona

<Yu> agreed

<Ren> …feels like im forming new social links, all over again…

<cat> ???

<cat> social links?

<Yu> basically, what gives us wild cards power

<Yu> the bonds we forge with people close to us help empower our multiple personas

<Yu> Like Ishtar, which is a Persona I got from all the time I spent with Rise

<Rise> so _that’s_ why Ishtar has never left your roster…

<Yu> <3

<Rise> <3

<Ren> lets do the thing

<Yu> yeah lol

<Violet> wait what thing

<Ren> _thou art I…And I am thou…_

<Yu> _Thou hast established a new vow…_

<Ren> wait, I thought it was “Thou hast acquired a new vow”?

<Yu> not for me

<Ren> huh

<Ren> alright lets continue

<Rise> does…anybody have any idea whats going on?

<Professional Gremlin> you’re his wife, you should know

<Rise> I love Yu to bits but I have no idea what he says sometimes

<Makoto> _I know that feeling…_

<Ren> _It shall become the wings of rebellion…_

<Yu> _It brings thee closer to the truth…_

<Ren> _That breaketh thy chains of captivity…_

<Ren> _with the birth of the Fool Persona…_

<Yu> _Thou shalt be blessed when creating Personas of the Fool Arcana…_

<Homicidal Floof> well, that was an experience

<bean lady> is this more of that wild card lingo?

<Yosuke> probably…

<M O N K E> Haru are you done chopping that Shadow to bits now?

<M O N K E> we gotta get back

<cat> huh, Skulls being reasonable

<cat> never thought id see the day

<M O N K E> eff you cat

<cat> im joking chill

<M O N K E> sorry man

<cat> also sorry

<Professional Gremlin> lmao

<Professional Gremlin> Monas right though, lets head back

<Violet> I want to see more of Inaba!

<Violet> I know we have a while to explore but _damnit I wanna see everything_

<Yu> alright, then

<Yu> lets hop out

<Ren> yeah

<Ren> tomorrow ill show you guys around

<Yu> Me and Rise are probs just gonna spend some time alone with eachother

<Yu> memory lane and all that shit

<Yu> might introduce you guys to my little sister.

<Teddie> YAYYYYY! Nana-chan!

<bean lady> that would be great!

<bean lady> sorry about cutting into your guys time together

<Rise> no need to apologise, hanging out with you guys is fun!

<Rise> plus were friends now

<Rise> no take-backs

<M O N K E> _FRIENDS AQUIRED +8_

<Professional Gremlin> _Hey thats my line_

<Makoto> thank you, truly.

<Rise> np

<Ren> alright, lets get back before night.

<Makoto> HARU, WE’RE GOING, YOU CAN CHOP ALL THE SHADOWS YOU WANT **LATER.**

<Homicidal Floof> aww…

<Professional Gremlin> dw ill cuddle you on the way back

<Homicidal Floof> :D


End file.
